I've sort of neglected this space lately. I have a few unpublished posts, but they would seem out of context now. I am glad to have them though, as documentation of my experiences.
I am having a hard time putting into words how I am feeling, what I am experiencing. But I need to get thoughts out of my head.
It's coming up on the one year anniversary of when I last had my heart truly broken, and when I decided to take a 6-month single pledge. Where am I now? How did I get here?
I sort of succeeded at the 6-month single pledge. Within a month or so, I met a cute guy and gave him my phone number. We chatted for a couple of weeks but it faded naturally, as things will if you don't put much effort into them. Then, just a few days before the 6 month mark, I surrendered to the holiday blues and signed up for a free week of match.com. I ended up meeting and dating someone for 5 months. Someone who was a really great guy, but so obviously wrong for me. When that ended, I reached out to the guy from that first month of being single. In a five week whirlwind of life, I started to lose myself. I fell into old habits, getting too attached, feeling too much too soon. Grasping for something, hoping it would hold. But it didn't.
So what have I learned? How do I feel?
I've learned that some lessons are meant to be learned over and over and over again.
I've learned that I still have work to do.
I've learned that I will always be someone who feels too much too soon.
I've learned that I can have confidence in my own voice.
I've learned that I have dreams that are worth chasing.
I've learned to have faith that there is a relationship out there worthy of my time and my heart, and that I don't need to search for it-- it will come to me when the time is right.
I feel... sad, but hopeful; broken, but strong; anxious, but faithful.
I feel grateful. For lessons learned, for more opportunity for personal growth, for a faith that holds me steady, for friends and family who love me, for a full life ahead of me.