Saturday, June 20, 2015

Paradoxical Feelings




What a week. No, what a month. What a year.

I've sort of neglected this space lately. I have a few unpublished posts, but they would seem out of context now. I am glad to have them though, as documentation of my experiences.

I am having a hard time putting into words how I am feeling, what I am experiencing. But I need to get thoughts out of my head.

It's coming up on the one year anniversary of when I last had my heart truly broken, and when I decided to take a 6-month single pledge. Where am I now? How did I get here?

I sort of succeeded at the 6-month single pledge. Within a month or so, I met a cute guy and gave him my phone number. We chatted for a couple of weeks but it faded naturally, as things will if you don't put much effort into them. Then, just a few days before the 6 month mark, I surrendered to the holiday blues and signed up for a free week of match.com. I ended up meeting and dating someone for 5 months. Someone who was a really great guy, but so obviously wrong for me. When that ended, I reached out to the guy from that first month of being single. In a five week whirlwind of life, I started to lose myself. I fell into old habits, getting too attached, feeling too much too soon. Grasping for something, hoping it would hold. But it didn't.

So what have I learned? How do I feel?

I've learned that some lessons are meant to be learned over and over and over again.

I've learned that I still have work to do.

I've learned that I will always be someone who feels too much too soon.

I've learned that I can have confidence in my own voice.

I've learned that I have dreams that are worth chasing.

I've learned to have faith that there is a relationship out there worthy of my time and my heart, and that I don't need to search for it-- it will come to me when the time is right.

I feel... sad, but hopeful; broken, but strong; anxious, but faithful.

I feel grateful. For lessons learned, for more opportunity for personal growth, for a faith that holds me steady, for friends and family who love me, for a full life ahead of me.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

This is Not a Test


I've written multiple times on this blog about life lessons and learning from making the same mistake multiple times. I don't know if it was blissful ignorance or true naïveté, but I truly thought that some of those lessons were over, that I had finally learned them and life wouldn't throw them my way again. Well, I'm here to admit that I was wrong. 

Life is a series of lessons and obstacles and experiences, each meant to teach you something that will help you during the next lesson, obstacle or experience. The learning never stops. There is no end to this course, no final exam or standardized test that will tell you when you have finally reached a certain level of knowledge. No. You have to just keep going, keep progressing through life and hoping that eventually you feel more comfortable with yourself so the lessons and obstacles can be positive learning experiences as opposed to devastating stumbling blocks. 

I do think I have made it to a place in my life where I can see the rough spots as positive learning experiences. I've learned to not let little things knock me down, but instead allow them to show me a piece of myself that might still need work. I am a work in progress. And life is what inspires me to grow and develop and learn. 

Friday, February 20, 2015

Life Lately

Coming out from another silent blog season for a quick life lately post! 

I celebrated Valentine's Day with a great guy, and we created a lovely little tree. 

I went on a ladies weekend trip to a winter cabin and finally broke out my snowshoes. 

I participated in some crazy events on campus- met Cupid and got taped to a wall. Never a dull day on campus! 

I started a Lenten devotional. Lent is my favorite church season. While I would like to say I'm centered in my faith year-round, I know that I'm not. I love Lent because it refocuses me and helps me find that center as I welcome spring. 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Gratitude


A lot of people are doing year in review posts- on their blogs, on Facebook, on Instagram. I don't really want to do that. This year has been full of ups and downs. But, what year isn't? 

Instead of reviewing, in pictures and detail, everything that has happened this year, I want to talk about what got me through the good and the bad: gratitude. 

I have learned that gratitude is my new favorite secret weapon. In good times and bad, gratitude will see me through. 

It's easy to express gratitude during the good times, and yet, how often do we stop what we are doing to do just that? 

It's not nearly as easy during bad times, but I have found that it makes all the difference. When it feels like the world is crashing down around you, turning to gratitude literally changes your heart. 

When I hit rock bottom financially, I found gratitude in the support of my parents, as well as in the necessary, life- changing lessons. 

When a good man came back into my life, I was grateful for God's plan. 

When I finished grad school, I found gratitude in the opportunity to start a new career path. 

When I made the move back to Wisconsin, I was grateful for the love and support from friends and family- those in Wisconsin and in Denver. 

When I was offered the job at Viterbo, I was grateful for a new beginning. 

When my heart was broken in July, I found gratitude in the journey, the memories, and the chance to redefine myself.  

When I decide to devote myself to being single, and when that decision left me lonely and confused and messy, I found gratitude in God's love for me and in the knowledge that I am enough. 

When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I found gratitude for modern medicine, for the power of prayer, and for all the extra weekends that I was able to get back to Appleton to spend with her. 

Gratitude. It made 2014 one of the most defining years of my life thus far. My faith has grown exponentially, I'm happier than I've ever been, and I feel blessed beyond words. 

I hope you're able to look back on your year and find gratitude in all of the experiences. 

Here's to 2015. Happy New Year, friends and family! 


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas Wishes

I interrupt my blogging silence to wish you all a very merry Christmas! Enjoy the moments with your families ❤️

Love this little brother of mine!

Christmas lights with my Dad 

The reason for the season. Joy to the world! 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Single, happy, and empowered


Once upon a time, I promised to write about my journey in singledom. Well, now I am almost 4 months into it and I have pretty much not written about it at all. But that is about to change! I am going to start this off by saying something that I have said in the past, but now know that I never truly meant: I am totally capable of being happy and single.

Whoa.

I have said this many times in the past, when friends or family would tell me to take a break from dating. I would respond that I really hadn't dated anyone in over a year, and was fine with that. But that's because I was using "dated" in a very broad way. I have not truly been single since freshman year in high school. Seriously. I have not always been "in a relationship" or "dating" during that time, but there has always been someone occupying some portion of my mind, my time, and my heart.

I am really proud to say that right now, the only person occupying my mind, time and heart...is myself. That is truly revolutionary to me. I don't have anyone to text when I feel like flirting, I don't have someone I can call for a hook up (not that I've ever done that, obviously) and I definitely don't have anyone to plan dates with.

And guess what?

I am ok. More than ok. I am, for what is likely the very first time in my entire life, totally and completely happy with my own company. I cannot even begin to explain how empowering this is!

As I get older, I become more of an introvert. With that, I have learned to enjoy my "me time" more. But prior to this singledom pledge, even my "me time" would be entangled with another person-- via texting, or what not. Now, my "me time" is exactly that...it is time for me, without anyone else pulling my attention away.

The timing of this revelation has been great. With starting a new job, especially a live-in, nights & weekend on-call position like mine, I am focusing on finding good balance. If I were dating right now, my "nights off" would likely not be focused on re-energizing or spending time on myself. They would be date nights, and movie nights, and dinners in, and nights spent texting for hours. Makes me tired just thinking of it ;)

Another great part of learning to like being single: learning my standards. Now that I know I can be happy by myself, I won't feel nearly as tempted to lower my standards when I reenter the dating world. Over the last four years, I think I said yes to guys just because I was scared of being alone. Yes, I really did like some of the guys I dated, but there are also a handful that I think about now and wonder what in the devil I was thinking! It is empowering to know that I can go into now with high standards and high expectations...and the patience to wait for them to be met.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

My Comfort Zone


Here's the thing: of the last 12 years, I have been in a defined, committed relationship for nearly 10 years. I started my first long-term relationship at the ripe age of 14. That lasted 7 years. The next was just shy of a year. Then came my two "single" years. And I've spent the last two years in more "real" relationships. It's safe to say relationships are my comfort zone. 

I am most comfortable when I have another person to share my life with. Be that the daily struggles and accomplishments, the emotional and physical connections, or even the seemingly mundane traditions. I am a relationship person. It's who I am, it's all I know. 

But what if the quote above is true? What if my life hasn't even started, and has just been waiting for me to finally give up on this "comfort zone" I've been in? Who knows if that's the case. Luckily, the only way I know how to get through being out of my comfort zone is faith. And there's nothing better to lean on. Despite being so far out of my comfort zone, I am surprisingly at peace. Faith is good.